Writing; a safe outlet.

So many questions crowd my already racing mind. My eyes glaze over as the tears I so desperately try to withhold begin to run down my swollen cheeks. The distance between life and death is like the game tug-of-war, which was more entertaining as a child. I try to find something to do with my hands, but I’m at a stand-still; my legs are also motionless. Words frequently register from my brain to my mouth, however the moment they reach my lips, it’s as if they never existed. I find myself starring out the window; watching the leaves on the autumn trees as they cover the ground in beautiful yellows and reds, “what’s the point,” I wonder in silence. My heart is past broken at this point, but somewhere there’s a glimmer of hope in the voice of the suffering servant.

I wrote the above paragraph today while I was at work. Over the past month I've heard bad news left and right with no concrete reassurance in the form of, "everything IS going to be ok." The last thing I wanted to hear when I asked my mom if my aunt was going to live was, "I don't know." Those words stung deep and long. I don't want to lose another family member, then again... who does?
Along with other shocking news, what I found out last week topped it all. A lady that I've known for 15yrs. and considers me to be one of her own grandchildren was diagnosed with Acute Leukemia. The doctors told her she could start chemo, or go to hospice and die in 2wks. Tell me that won't shake your faith! I'd be lying, if I said, it wasn't shaking mine. She decided to try chemo, so now we wait. I called her today and we talked for a couple minutes before she passed me onto someone else because she was tired. I can tell you that hearing her say, "I love you too," brought tears to my eyes and in a sense made the reality of the situation more evident. In an effort to "hold myself together," I failed, and cried as quietly as I could while being updated on her health, by her daughter-in-law.

There's no doubt life has been rough, but God knows the beginning and the end... All we have to do is trust him.