What if I said, I never stopped loving you?

"I hate the way you talk to me, and the way you cut your hair. I hate the way you drive my car. I hate it when you stare. I hate your big dumb combat boots, and the way you read my mind. I hate you so much it makes me sick; it even makes me rhyme. I hate it, I hate the way you're always right. I hate it when you lie. I hate it when you make me laugh, even worse when you make me cry. I hate it when you're not around, and the fact that you didn't call. But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you. Not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all." [10 Things I Hate About You]

I think it's funny, how I feel that way about someone, and I can't get him off my mind. He's currently in the Navy far away from here, and I miss him. We've reconnected over the last couple weeks and everythings rushing back. The butterflies in the stomach, the goofy grin on my face when I see a picture of him, the hestitant yet excited click of the mouse when I get to talk to him... possibly elementary, but what if it's part of love?

[I may never find out... at least not with him.] 

It's okay, when you see me, to take a second glance...

You see me now and have to look twice to verify my appearance... What? You don't think I look the same?... Oh, well, you're right, I don't look the same... Why? Because...

...I am a new creation in Christ!
My life has been completely transformed and I walk in freedom!
Yes, I have a past BUT it does not dictate my future!
I've been through many trials and temptations BUT wouldn't change them for a minute because they have only made me stronger and more determined to live the life God has planned for me!
I am full of life, love, compassion, and peace! I am a servant of the Most High, and my value and worth is not based on what others think of me, say about me, or do to me!
I am redeemed! I am the walking dead! I have grasped who I am in Christ and no one can take that away from me! I am called and equppied to bring glory and honor to His name!
I will not be labeled by any medical professional because I choose to live, not as a victim to the diagnosis put on me in the past, BUT as a victor labeled by my Heavenly Father as: set apart, beloved, chosen one, daughter of the King, blessed, and forever changed!
I am no longer bound to a death wish BUT am alive in Christ!

It's okay, when you see me, to take a second glance because I'm not who I was when you first met me. I am now who I was called to be a long. I just had to choose to accept freedom and live in it!

**I wrote this Nov. 3, 2009 soon after graduating Mercy Ministries**

Trust

I may not say the words you want to hear because they are the truth you deny. The facial expression I make after you tell me an inappropriate story or joke may make you insecure and question what you thought was "so funny." It's possible you will think I'm ignoring you, and also possible you will see me as rude or stuck-up. I won't fall for your continual pity party for money, just so you can give it away to someone old enough to buy your beer, or contribute to your illegal addiction.

You can ask me anything, tell me anything, scream in my face, call me names, stab me in the back, punch me in the stomach, ask me to agree with you in prayer, inquire about a scripture...

No matter what - good OR bad...

...I will still speak light into your life, I will still offer a shoulder for you to cry on, I will rejoice with you in success, I will lift you up when you're down...

...You just have to trust me.    

Simple

One of my love languages is quality time, and tonight it was awesome to have that "filled," by a friend. I went to Richmond's house after church, and just hung out talking for over an hour. We talked about many things, we goofed on his guitar, looked through dvds, threw a "medicine ball" back and forth... It was great and "simple."

It's awesome to not have to prove anything to anyone, ya'know? I used to waste my time trying to please everyone with words, actions, and whatever else, but it was so stressful, and chill was far from my vocabulary.
I love talking about nothing, walking in silence, listening to music... where no one's out to impress, and there's no hidden agenda. People close to me, along with people I just meet, are very important to me, because I am genuinly passionate about human life.

That simple.

Redeemed

Tonight I got the tattoo I've been wanting for atleast a year.
I wanted vines to go around a previous tattoo that says, "Silent Asphyxiation," because they signify life. For the past couple months leading up to this tattoo I decided I wanted a word as well, but wasn't sure which word. Then "Redeemed," came to my mind, which I believe was a pure God thing because I couldn't get it out of my head.

I am truly blown away, not only at how amazing my new tattoo looks, but how much more this tattoo means to me, and proves that I am forever Redeemed by the love and mercy of my Heavenly Father.

BEFORE:


DURING:



AFTER

Hello again,

I've been house-sitting for some friends and was unable to use their computer due to a virus. BUT no worries, here I am!
This is going to be short, by the way, for 2 reasons:
1- I'm cramping like none other, not that you wanted to know that.
2- I'm exhausted, and falling asleep as I write this.

*I had a dream the other night where I was stabbed in the stomach, thrown face down on the ground, and then someone dressed in all black used a screw driver to drive a screw in the middle of my spine. Needless to say I woke up face down like I was in my dream, and thought I was paralyzed.

*I get my tattoo tomorrow after I get off work! I have been waiting for this for a year, and am so excited!

Other then that, no crazy-awesome news here. Oh, played Bunco for the first time tonight, it was fun!

&& g'nite!

AIDS

Dear Princess,

YOU ARE beautiful! I know you don't know me, but I wanted to tell how much I ADMIRE YOU. Being only 10, and having to go through things adults do is really tough, but I want you to know how strong YOU ARE. I know you are confused as to why you are sick, but it's going to be okay!
YOU ARE such a brave girl!
Princess, YOU ARE amazing! YOU ARE loved more than you will ever know, and I am so proud of YOU for being a great helper to your family!
I know you are suppose to take medicine everyday, but don't like to. I've done that before, but everytime after I chose to take my meds I felt a lot better, and ended up healthier, and more happy!
Beautiful, YOU ARE cared for by people, like me, you may never meet, but YOU have a place in our hearts! YOU have a place in my heart; forever!
YOU ARE in my prayers Princess!

I love you,
a friend

Encouraging Scripture

New International Version (NIV)
Isaiah 41:9-10, 13

9 I took you from the ends of the earth,
from its farthest corners I called you.
I said, 'You are my servant';
I have chosen you and have not rejected you.

10 So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

13 For I am the LORD, your God,
who takes hold of your right hand
and says to you, Do not fear;
I will help you.

www.biblegateway.com

Little known fact -

I have a weakness and it's totally legit...
...video games!

Yes, that's right, if I had no job, no bills to pay,
no social life... I would most likely be sitting at someone's
house, if not my own; a gamer!

Hah!
Interesting fact, right?!
I'm sure you're excited to be informed!

&& g'nite!

Human Trafficking

Innocence
by:LMW

She's bleeding from recent torment,
confused about her identity,
mistaken for a sex toy,
used without limitation.
Her hair often knotted and frizzy,
her make-up smeared, and her clothes stained,
but appearance is everything.
There's no room for excuse or fault; money's at stake.

Looking in the mirror, she can't stand the sight
of whom she's been made to become.
Once so innocent and pure;
her eyes used to light up when the sun appeared.
Now seeing daylight means she's visible to all mankind;
selfishness, lies, and lust have overtaken her hope of a future.

She desires for an escape, but who's going to save her?

**Countless men find their pleasure in the bed of a mother,
a daughter, a child. All abused, degraded, and humiliated for money.**

What's it going to take to stop human trafficking?

Did you read above and think it's awful, wonder how it can be fixed, only to go about your daily routine and not think of it again?

IF YOU SINCERELY WANT TO MAKE A DIFFERENCE - FIND A WAY!

There are many websites you can find. Google is a great start!

Here's a site for you: www.a21campaign.com

I know that you are God

This song has captivated my heart and I wanted to share it with you.
You can youtube it, which I highly suggest. Love.

None but Jesus
by: Brooke Frasier
sung by: Hillsong

In the quiet, in the stillness
I know that you are God
In the secret of your presence
I know there I am restored
When you call I won't refuse
Each new day, again I'll choose

There is no one else for me
None but Jesus
Crucified to set me free
Now I live to bring Him praise

In the chaos, in confusion
I know you're sovereign still
In the moment of my weakness
You give me grace to do your will
When you call I won't delay
This my song through all my days

There is no one else for me
None but Jesus
Crucified to set me free
Now I live to bring Him praise

I am yours and you are mine...

All my delight is in you Lord
All of my hope
All of my strength
All my delight is in you Lord
Forevermore

Alright friends,

It's snowing AGAIN today, and freezing cold. All the snow we got from the blizzard on Christmas Eve has yet to disappear. Sometimes I wonder how God decides to work the weather! :)

Today I seriously need to clean my room! I have the mentality, "I'm the only one that comes in here, it doesn't matter.." Yeah, well, I have that mentality until it is clean and I wonder why I don't keep it clean all the time. Ha! Then the cycle begins all over again. Oh geeze!

Here's something [fun] to think about:
If you were given the opportunity to speak infront of a massive [thousands] audience about something you are passionate about, what would it be and why?

My answer:
I would speak about injustice in all forms. I personally think that in our world today EVERYONE needs to be made aware of the severity of what's going on in third-world countries, different work places, and/or maybe in their own backyards.

Obedience and Patience

5 out of 7 days in the week, I wish I could work roughly 4hrs., get paid for 8, and just have a lot of free time. Too bad that's not anywhere close to reality, at least not where I live. I am thrilled that tomorrow is Friday and I get to wear jeans to work, my boss is buying us lunch, and then comes the weekend!

Have you ever wondering why God told you to do something, you didn't want to do it, did it anyway, and realized why He had you do what He told you to do, yet you still wanted to go back and redo it all your way?

I've been thinking about a couple different things God told me to do as well as one particular thing that happened a couple years back with a relationship I was in, and I'm like, "God, so what's your plan, and would you please reveal it to me...NOW!?"
All the situations we come across in our time here on earth God already knows where, why, what, how, with whom, and we constantly question Him and His power.
Let me put this in very simple terms;
GOD IS LEGIT AND "WE" DON'T HAVE TO KNOW EVERYTHING!
It's all about obedience and patience- WHOA! 2 things everyone, in my opinion, have issues with on a daily basis!
So, friends, stop questioning the only one who knows/has all the answers! Obey and be patient. Be patient and obey!
I'm working on it myself, believe me.

Independent in Christ

I am struggling to be independent in Christ. If that makes any sense. Lately, and in previous years, I've been quite prone to depending on friends and aquaintances in my life to keep out of boredom, make me happy, and countless other things. Well, it's really been bothering me... a lot! So, I have set out to challenge myself in this area. Obviously, my friends and others are amazing, but I can't depend on them for the rest of my life. What's that saying, "People come and go, but God remains the same."

Either way, here's what I'm going to do my best to accomplish:

-Have my bible with me at all times [even at work], not for looks, to read.
-Pray about any decisions that I need to make regarding the people in my life, etc.
-Don't jump on every invitation offered me just because I don't want to be home, or I'm bored etc.
-Spend intimate time with God, getting to know Him more, and what He has planned for me.
-Relax and enjoy the time I spend at home, realizing I don't have to be "out" all the time.

5 goals to meet my challenge! Only 5! I was going to give myself an "end" date, but that's not possible in my opinion. This challenge is 365 days a year for anyone.

**You can challenge yourself too!**

What are you thinking?

Have you ever just stopped to think about what you were thinking about?

I did tonight at the dinner table as soon as I realized the thought I had was rude and unnecessary. I actually said aloud, "Oh, sorry Jesus."
It's kinda funny if you think about it... Jesus/God, is like having an invisible person in your head at all times. It's like He's just hanging out listen to all you say, think, viewing all you see, and imagine. It's also kinda scary and nerve-racking. Makes me step back and further evaluate even in the last hour everything that's gone on in my head.

If every thing you think, visualize, and say was being recorded for replay, would you be more cautious with what you allow to enter and exit the thing between your ears?

Grasp His Love

JJ Heller has an amazing song entitled, "Love Me." I'm actually listening to it right now, and it always seems to bring me to a place of reflection. Reflection of all the times I've cried, "who will love me for me?" Toward the end of the song it talks about a man crying out to God about his past, and God replies, "...listen, I will love you for you, not for what you have done or you will become..."

How many times have we cried out to God as we starve for a love we can't seem to find. We search in materialistic wants, we search for love in a significant other, and in our work. BUT nothing can take the place of the love God so freely expresses through the breath He chose to give us, the life He chose to birth us for... You want an everlasting love? Then grasp the love in the arms of your Heavenly Father.

Where are you going?

I have decided to try a lot of new things this year, and not in the form of "New Years Resolutions." I have goals and adventures I personally plain on attaining. For instance: skydiving on or around my birthday, and a mission trip to Kosovo. Those are just 2 of atleast 10 things so far that have sparked ideas, motivations, and realistic expectations in these upcoming months.

This year is going to be the best year yet in my book. With this life I've been given and finally chose to accept within the last 8 months, I'm done sitting around spending countless hours on facebook, watching tv, or driving around wasting gas because I'm bored. In those times I could be helping someone take groceries to their car, babysitting for the young couple across the street that has 5 little boys, or volunteering my time at a homeless shelter or food bank.

There's much to do, but we are too busy being selfish, myself included, and caught in our boredom that we fail to see all the opportunities to touch a life across the street or in our workplace.

So, where are you going this year?

What are your personal goals, and adventures? Maybe not only involving yourself, but your family, and the community.